Date: 21 Sep 2015 5:52 Title: Severance of Ties
I joined this site cause of cry's had a footnote at the end of his story sever about your story and had a link to this site....after seeing the different authors I am glad I joined.....
so far I'm liking this story but I got one thing to say....or maybe write....whats wrong with Harry!?! I'm a guy, older guy but still a guy and I remember being his age and having dreams and fantasies of all the girls and women that I knew or had met or saw on tv or at the movies heck I still do so when gin and mione offered themselves to him why did he turned them down much less get so pissed off at them for offering....I immediately asked out loud what the matter Harry are you a queer or something!??? dont it work....roles my eyes over that one.....hell if this would of happend to me I would of taken them to bed that first night or probably wouldnt have made it to the night!!!!
oh yeah and before I forget, great story only thing lacking is his stupidity on not having sex with the girls.....
Date: 13 Jan 2012 22:16 Title: Chapter 4
Author's Response: True, and my 1911 did too, but most (if not all) of the military people I know had it drilled into them to always strip, clean and oil their weapons after use, and as I had Harry taught by a retired soldier, I just put that in. Plus, even though mine worked fine without the full cleaning after each use, I still did, as it worked better and more reliably, not to mention, I caught two minor things while cleaning the weapon, allowing me to have them fixed before they caused problems.
Date: 28 Oct 2011 14:07 Title: One starts anew, the others try to go on
Author's Response: The way I think of this, Hermione and Ginny are basically "human house-elves" and can't act against Harry in any way, therefore, they would do their jobs and nothing else unless ordered. Also, remember there are elves in the Manor as well, who would watch out for trouble too.
Date: 27 Oct 2011 20:21 Title: Severance of Ties
Verygood, butIcan'taccesstherestofthechapters. Ialsocan'tseemtousemy"space"keyonthissite.
Author's Response: Not sure about the space key, but there's nothing about this site that I know of that would cause that. As for the chapters, which one(s) can't you access and I'll check. You can e-mail me directly at "firstname.lastname@example.org"
Date: 06 Dec 2010 17:30 Title: Chapter 5
Well, props for trying but it was abysmal.
It felt like you were trying to go for something like Caer Azkaban but ended up closer to My Immortal. You started with a good idea but it seemed like you didn't know where to go with it. Attention was focused on things that were pretty uniteresting and that slowed it down
Harsh, but here are my suggestions.
Read Alrissa's Deadly Decisions for character development and how to power up a character.
For political stuff read Disobedience Writer's A Bad Week at the Wizengamot.
For how to have Harry steamroll problems in a fun way read Jeconais' Princess. Pay attention to the pace, thats what kept a Super!Harry fun.
To have character's act rationally in context of their own character (Stay in character or come up with good reason's for the change.) you really have to read Lesswrong's Methods of Rationality.
Now that the examples are done here are the big things I think are missing.
Tone and Pace. Look at the story and think 'what kind of story is this'.A comedy should have a light tone and pretty fast paced. Include lots of jokes. An action scene should be fast paced but have a more serious tone. Drama is slower, but again it should be serious or emotional.
Tone is all about word choice and the story events. Comedy doesn't happen in funeral scenes. Make sure you have a large vocabulary and use the appropriate words(make sure you use them right). Use a variety because repitition can get boring fast.
Pace is all about the frequency of events and how many words (and the length of those words) you have to slog through to get the point. A somber scene would be slow and include a lot of details. Combat is fast and should be less detailed (work out the nuts and bolts ahead of time in a training sequence). Suddenly changing pace is a good way of drawing attention. A if a major character dies in a combat scene it's a great time to slip in a detailed bit. It shows shock and suprise as the pace slows down.
Date: 24 Nov 2010 14:53 Title: Severance of Ties
Interesting start. Not sure where you're going with it. Look forward to finding out.
The one thing that throws me a bit is that Hermione did not know more about the concerquences of the Severing. Considering her thirst for knowledge I would have expected her to have researched it prior to doing so.
Unless, that is, she wanted to be a slave, same goes for Ginny, considerering her background I would have expected her to have more knowledge of what was going on.
Ron on the otherhand, is, as far as I'm concerned nearly an idiot savant so his ignorance was no suprise what so ever.
Ginny did pretty much what her parents told her, as a "good pure-blood daughter" in most fan-fic, and until about book 5 in canon.
Hermione's worship of authority figures, and the (implied) disappointment by Dumbledore in Harry would be enough to convince her that Ron was right when he suggested a magical way to ensure no contact.
Sadly, this story was on I had plans for that never reached what I wanted. I got to a point where I could go for length, and cannibalize other stories, or end it, which i did.
Date: 24 Nov 2010 12:12 Title: Chapter 5
This was really rather good. Interesting, as normally I dislike stories where most of the content is kept vague, but you used Crys' idea fantastically, and write very well. Thanks for making this and thanks for sharing.
Date: 24 Apr 2009 8:10 Title: Point of View Shift
Liz is getting teary eyed over someone who died when she was five? Sounds like a basketcase waiting to exploded on someone. Since when does Harry just casually touch people?
Harry beating a seal doesn't work. He'd need a lot of training to get the reflexes among other things.
Author's Response: Dogbert, having actually fought someone (more than once) who is more "highly trained" than I was at the time (and in one case, still is), and having bested all of them, there is something to be said for luck, and in the case of those I have bested (and the S.E.A.L. in this fic) for emotion coloring someone's viewpoint and actions. The SEAL was cocky and possibly a bit drunk. Add to this his superiors slapping him down for his words, and anger enters his mind. Anger does nothing but take away from cognitive ability. Harry, who has been trained by this point, simply reacted to an illogical and irrational attacker. Now, this is not to say that had the S.E.A.L. been thinking clearly, or possibly had he had some more experience, as he's a young S.E.A.L., Harry wouldn't have faired as well, but his statements show he's not that experienced, and only got the S.E.A.L. distinction recently, and so on. Trust me, I've never served, but when my friends who have (and some who still are) are emotional, angry, drunk, or some combination of the three, I can take them just as quickly as Harry took this jerk.
As for Liz? My parents both worked when I was young, and I spent a great amount of time with my grandparents, until moving away from that location at about age five. Granted, I was able to see and spend time with them afterward, but it wasn't the same. Liz was grieving for the loss of a parent figure. Perhaps it was repressed, but notice she didn't "break down", but merely shed tears. I'm past 30 and still get "misty eyed" when thinking of my grand-parents and great-aunt/uncle, whom I lost at a young age. It's not the blubbering and wailing kind of reaction, but merely reacting as if remembering a wonderful relationship, and the loss of it.
Date: 24 Apr 2009 7:48 Title: One starts anew, the others try to go on
A nice addition on Hermione and Ginny.
The trainers were tossed in a bit quick and a special phoenix is a bit much, but not too bad. Would have been better to have stretched it out and used a normal phoenix.
Don't forget he has friends in the school even if a couple betrayed him and I'm surprised that Dumbledore didn't see some of this coming.
Date: 24 Apr 2009 7:30 Title: Severance of Ties
Not bad, but Hermione and Ginny don't come off as anything but OCs now. So really I think that should be worked on. Their mental state needs some outlining as well as showing the slow changes into what they become.
Harry's change needs some background to it. He just went *poof* I'm a new man. We need some thoughts on that to show his changing. Maybe an actual book on mind magics would work as a reason.
The car seems a bit out of place and more like the author thinking of something he'd like. As long as Harry doesn't suddenly join a band or any other 'cool' things it can be overlooked.
The bigger the change the more detail and reasons behind it needs.
Date: 05 Jan 2009 11:42 Title: Point of View Shift
THAT LETTER WAS AWESOME. AS MANY FAN FICS AS I HAVE READ, THAT ONE REALLY GIVES HARRY A BIG PAIR AND I LOVE IT.
Author's Response: Thanks for the review, and for this story, I'm not going with a "more assertive, but still good'old'Harry" aspect.
Date: 05 Jan 2009 11:37 Title: Point of View Shift
Another great chapter mate, I love how the story is going and I can't wait to see what you have planned next, keep up the great work mate.
I like that Harry has got more then one form mate, great work. Oh I like what Harry did to the man who pissed him off, I like it.
Oh the fucking ass Dumbledore said about Harry to the Daily Prophet though I do like how Harry Responded. :D
Oh I hope that Harry goes for the second option, I like to see Harry being borader line evil... getting what he wants and that. PLEASE update soon
Can you read my latest update please, also have you heard from your girlfriend 'Ginny/Bella' is she updating any of her stories soon??
Author's Response: Well, as has been said in many places, dark and evil aren't always the same thing, meaning a "dark" Harry isn't necessarily evil, right? As for Ginny/Bella, she's been very busy with real life, so I'm not sure when, but I know she wants to finish what she's got "open", so just keep a look out.